The Week in Review - Ask Me How I Really Feel

I didn't blog last week, I was watching TV! Alright let's talk about what we saw:

American Idol, I couldn't bear to watch until they got to Hollywood this time - okay I watched a little of it, but not much. I hate it when they have the people who really think they are good and they really aren't. To me it's like bass fishing with a gun. There's just a little more force than necessary. I love Simon and I tend to agree with him. And for the people who are serious competitors I don't have a problem with his cutting criticism, they need to get used to it or perish.

But what a lot of people don't realize is that people came and stood in line for days to get into the competition, and then they auditioned for people who were not Randy, Paula and Simon. Anyone half way decent, anyone really crazy and anyone really, really bad gets to see the celebrity judges. Everyone else goes home. Here's the problem, the people who are crazy don't know they're crazy and the people who are really bad don't know they suck - they actually think they made the first cut. It seems a bit inhumane to break the news to them on national television. I'm just saying....In any case I will be anxious to actually see the good people perform this week.

Jericho - My husband said he didn't think he could watch it because he had missed the last few episodes and he didn't think he could get caught up. I told him this was nonsense, any show worth its salt will take a few minutes to fill you in on what the heck happened, because even those of us who did watch it can't possibly be expected to remember what happened A YEAR AGO! I don't know who edited the opening but they need to be fired and taken out behind the barn and spanked too - I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON! I feel like I just walked into season 5 of the X files - except guess what - there's no smoldering sexual repression. I'm giving them one more week to get it together.

Why do studio execs not understand that the love story is the most important thing? There has to be a love story and it has to have conflict - no one tunes in to watch happily ever after. Jericho - flash forward - 3 weeks later and Jake is kissing the blonde saying I won't be home for dinner honey. Okay, who is the idiot with an IQ of three less than celery who decided on that story line? Do I really need to name all of the shows that died immediately after the love interest was consummated - can I just say "Moonlighting" and we'll all know what I'm talking about? By a vowel gentleman! Women want romance, which means yearning, not having. Once you get into happily ever after its all having to deal with his socks on the bathroom floor!

On to Big Brother -Til Death Do Us PartYeah, what can I say? I shouldn't like it. I do. In fact I wish it were on every night. Let's start with Adam - at first I felt so bad for him, and then he made the comment about autistic kids being retards, which he then made worse by saying "Well, they are." And this idiot works with an autism foundation doing PR? First of all Adam, the term retarded is no longer politically correct, the term is now developmentally disabled or delayed. Some children with autism are also developmentally disabled (as in they will never be able to progress past a certain mental level), other autistic children are developmentally delayed in some areas while they may be developmentally accelerated in others. These children continue to progress, and generally catch up in terms of general development but they continue to struggle with the social stigma of being unable to socialize in the widely accepted fashion of our "typically minded society" The fact that someone as ill informed as you are is working in PR, excuse me, was working in PR- I am quite sure that you have lost your job by now - is both sad and maddening to me. Instead of just picking up your paycheck you might have asked some simple questions about who you were working for. If you had even spent 5 minutes with one of our kids you could never have so blithely referred to them as retarded, you yellow toothed, cigarette smoking unemployed ignoramus! But ask me how I really feel. I am glad they stuck you with the Queen Bee Biotch of Menopausal Angst. I hope she gives you crabs, you deserve each other.

Then let's talk about Jen, is this the stupidest most selfish girl to ever be on BB! I love it! I hope she gets evicted and that Ryan and Allison fall madly in love and make beautiful babies. I will miss Parker, but I'll get over it - Besides I didn't like his Brad and Angelina OR Kathy Griffin and Pauley Shore comments. I would rather be Kathy Griffen than Angelina Jolie any day of the week and twice on Sunday!

And shall we talk about Amber's butt? How can you not! She sticks it up in the air every single opportunity she gets. If there were a college drinking game involving her butt - every time she sticks it up in the air or refers to it the room drinks - we'd have alcohol poisoning reported on campuses across the country. I'm ready for them to evict someone. I pray that the POV doesn't get used.

Eli Stone was good again - but I miss George Michael. C'mon guys! Every week there should be another 80's has been rockin out in Eli's living room. Flock of Seagulls - I Ran - as Eli is running away from mobsters. Rick Springfield, doing Jessie's Girl as Eli defends a jealous lover. Dexies Midnight Runners chanting C'mon Eileen when Eli needs to find a client named Eileen. Call me, you're missing what really worked in the first episode and if you waste this all star cast I'm really going to be angry with you!

And last but not least Celebrity Apprentice. Excuse me, but Omarosa should have been fired. I don't care what the rules may or may not say. Are you Donald Trump or not? She was verbally abusive, if a man had done that to a woman there would have been no discussion he would have been fired. As a woman I am insulted that she was not fired. And Trump sat there like a neutered and badly coiffed sheltie, I can't fire her, those are the rules. I was waiting for Trump to start crying for his Mommy.

More than ever I am convinced that the only reason why she was included in the show is because she was threatening a law suit. She should never, ever be hired, ever by anyone, ever again. She and Adam should be forced to live on welfare and eat cat food sandwiches while cameras roll - forever. But ask me how I really feel!

Hot TV Week Jericho, Big Brother, Eli Stone

It seems like it has been 7 years, but at last we are going to get Jericho back. It's been so long I'm not sure that I have any idea what is going on anymore, but I remember it had gotten REALLY dark at the end. I hope they don't make the same mistake as Prison Break. LISTEN UP TV EXECs Women will put up with a certain amount of dark and violent stuff as long as you hang out the possibility of a romance - kill the romance - kill the show. Don't mess it up by focusing too heavily on the dark stuff. Just for the record - When they revealed Sarah's head in the box on Prison Break, I turned it off - I didn't wait for a commercial - the TV went off and Prison Break has not been on in our home since. I have never stopped watching a show in the middle of a show - EVER, until now.

Big Brother is returning too. I'm not sure how I feel about that. We love Big Brother in the summer - but in the winter I need a little heavier fare - just like food. Don't be serving up salad in the dead of winter, when everyone wants a big bowl of hot mash potatoes. We'll see. I like the spin of creating couples.

And I have to say in this world of television gone mad - ELI STONE is the clear victor. Hot show, great cast, wonderful hook, great musical tie in - this is the one show not to miss! It's Saturday and I'm already looking forward to next Thursday's episode. It's almost made me forget that I am missing Grey's Anatomy, ER and Men in Trees. That's about the best compliment I can give.

Well, at last there were choices on television tonight. We watched Survivor, we hadn't even gotten to the opening credits and I said to my husband, "I'm already bored." How many more puzzles do I need to watch muddy, emaciated people put together while trying to finagle an end run around the team mates that trust them? It all reminds me a little too much of Junior High.

And then Johnny Fairplay - He is so annoying! He's there three seconds and he starts mouthing off about how the sweet little Yo Man slammed his head into the boat. You know, it really bugged me that Danny Bonaducci got slammed for thowing Fairplay onto the floor and busting his teeth - I figure if you jump on someone and start humping their head, you deserve to be thrown off of the person you are attacking. And if in the throwing you end up breaking your nose and all of your teeth, perhaps you will rethink jumping on people's heads and humping them in the future. I'm just saying...... But after all the hype of Fairplay being on the show, he simply rolled over like a girl scout with a box of thin mints at a fat man's door. Give me a Break!

Then we watched Celebrity Apprentice. After the whole Rosie O'Donnell debacle I swore I would never watch Trump again, but in order to make fun of his hair I need to be able to see it. Is it just me or has he upped the ante? It is so bad! Is there no one in his organization that can stand up to him and tell him that he looks ridiculous? I'll bet that's why Caroline really got fired. And he keeps trying to tell everyone that it's real. Donald we don't care if it's real or fake, you are missing the point - It looks STUPID. We all asumed it was fake because if it's real and you choose to wear it that way, then you are really dumb. We were trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. Anyway I digress.

Omarosa is a really a bitch. And a worm. And why is she on CELEBRITY Apprentice? I have a theory, remember when she was saying that one of her teammates used the "N" word? I don't think that anyone said it, but I think Trump got her to stop suggesting that someone said it by offering her a spot on CA! She needs to go!

And then I sort of watched Lipstick Jungle - which just didn't grab me. What I DVRd was ELI STONE - Last week I loved it and I want to make sure I get to watch the new one! My husband and I walked around singing FAITH all week. Great show - STAR STUDDED CAST - Tom Cavanaugh basically had an under 5 role (I assume that his character will have a weekly flashback presence - but still - very impressive to have him involved) ever actor in the show is great - -and by the way we LOVED the Autism shout out! Ken Olin directing - fresh idea - LOVE it! In fact, I'm going to go watch it right now.

David Letterman is a God Among Men

Okay, so a couple of days ago I had a mini rant about how BAD the writing has been on David Letterman since coming back from the strike. I said that he ought to fire all of his writers and hire new.

The night before last, Dave came out and proved why I love him so much - he really is the funniest man of television, and does not need writers - union or not! On Monday night when he did his breakdown of the Superbowl game and the events that led up to it - it was sheer brilliance. He was seated the entire time, and while it was a monologue it felt like a dialogue (which is a lost art!) his timing was perfect, his insights were hilarious. It was pure old school David Letterman! Phenomenal! Send the writers home Dave, you don't need them. Genius like yours should be unfettered by a group of guys sitting around in a room eating m&ms and writing crap like, California Highway Patrol Nuisance Calls!

The Bad TV Hall of Fame

I couldn't bring myself to watch prime time television tonight - of course the night is not over. Last night I found myself at 1:30 in the morning watching Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. This is an all time low for me. It was worse than a car accident that you can't look away from. I've always liked Dr. Drew but you know the only time I ever saw him was sitting next to Adam what's his name and it occurs to me that just about anyone looks like a fine, intelligent, responsible adult when juxtaposed with Adam Whathisname - Is it Corolla, like the car? I can't think because I'm so tired from staying up watching this stupid show!

Anyway, I now see that Dr. Drew is a BIG IDIOT too! Hey, I've got an idea! Let's take a bunch of celebrities with sustance abuse issues and put them on camera trying to get clean. And we'll say that it's a really humane way of talking them into it because they are such a bunch of publicity hounds that they probably would never get sober if not for the lure of the camera. And then, when they complain about the cameras, we'll question whether they really want to get sober. Think of the money we'll make! Aren't we great people? -----And yet - ----I couldn't look away.

So tonight in protest, I turned off the TV and walked away. Okay, I watched a little Bill Maher on Larry King and then turned it off. Boy, Bill really doesn't know when to tread lightly does he? He really ticked Larry off, it got so chilly I thought Maher was going to need an ice pick to work his way out. And instead he started to sweat. That's when I turned it off. I can't bear to watch flop sweat

I can't wait to watch the super Tuesday coverage tomorrow - at last something decent on television. Maybe we'll get lucky and have another upset like New Hampshire so I can watch a speechless Tim Russert shake his head and say, "I just don't understand." Now that's good television!

Writer's Strike Hell!

Okay, okay, I am addicted to television. I admit it. And what's more I'm not interested in changing. I think that television is one of the great gifts in life and that it is with out a doubt the single greatest tool for change and enlightenment in the history of mankind. So back away from my remote AND give me back my writers.

Look, I think I have great taste in television, but I'll be honest if there isn't something great on, I'll watch things that aren't so great. And if there is nothing that isn't even not so great on--I'll watch Charles in Charge. Don't bother being shocked and appalled I already said that I am addicted to television. I'm like an alcoholic that prefers a nice black label scotch but who will drink rot gut wine if neccessary. With the writer's strike I am now at the television equivalent of drinking my perfume in hopes of catching a buzz.

I watched Miss America Reality Check last week. And I loved it! By the way Miss Alaska was ROBBED! Don't even get me started! And speaking of which, why was Project Runway a rerun this week? Do the people over at Bravo not understand that there is a REAL emergency going on and we need for the shows that don't require union writers to pick up the slack? Come on people, who is sleeping at the switch?

And let's talk about David Letterman. Please don't get me wrong. I LOVE David Letterman. In fact, my husband and I have an understanding that David Letterman is the one man I am allowed to continue fantasizing about romantically other than my husband. And I love that Dave showed what a STUD he is by standing up and doing what was right. Seriously, it was right up there with him calling Bill O'Reilly an idiot to his face. You have to give Dave credit, the man has serious cahonage. So it pains me to say - What is up with the lame writing on his show since he's been back? It is the saddest thing I have ever seen. Seriously, Dave, fire the whole lot of free loaders, I hear there's lots of talent looking for union work. My God, with the complete glut of anything interesting and all of that time off, you'd think that the show could manage to be pee your pants, I can't breath funny at least once per show! Instead Letterman is getting nuisance calls from the California State Highway Patrol - has the world gone mad?

Alright, I have to go - Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant is coming on - and since Charles in Charge isn't on, it'll have to do. Sigh.